You Must Have Had a Great Orthodontist
to the tune of "You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby"
I've always liked straight teeth. It's one of those features in others that has been a source of envy for me. So, after I turned thirty, I decided to subject myself to eight to twelve months of dental torture and purchase a perfect smile because... well, because I'm a vain man. The whole experience got me thinking about vanity and beauty and the "good old days" when a person's looks were handed down from generations past; it was all a matter of who your parents were that dictated what mirror, mirror on the wall would say about you when asked. Things are different today. And I figured it was time to put some new words to Harry Warren's 1938 melody that are more relevant to the modern notion of beauty and how it too can be yours, if the price is right...
Did your parents have a clue
The beauty genes that they gave you
Cert'nly left a lot to be desired?
Good thing you could compensate
For Mother Nature's twist of fate,
Although a small investment was required
To pay for all the people that you hired.
You must have had a great orthodontist.
That derm abrasion made your face glow.
Your recent rhinoplasty turned what was once so ghastly
Into the quintessent'ly-sized nose.
Your tummy tuck has made you so shapely,
You're as stunning as the law should allow.
And that beauty mark tattoo has made a model out of you--
My dear, you are the cat's meow!
Oh, you must have spent a whole lot of money,
'Cause, honey, you're beautiful now!
You must have had a great plastic surgeon--
That face lift took ten years off your age.
Your facial hair removal has got my full approval.
The hair weave makes you look all the rage.
And when you got that breast augmentation,
Your surgeon made you so well-endowed,
And that liposuction rod was like a miracle from God--
Your doctors all should take a bow.
Oh, you must have hocked a whole lot of booty,
'Cause, cutie, you're beautiful now!
Yes, you must have spent a whole lot of money,
'Cause, honey, just look at you now!
--Ó1995 Ross D. Martin, MD